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Vince Vitrano: Not For Broadcast

The Best Worst Christmas Card Ever

CREATED Dec 20, 2011
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I wish this weren’t a holiday favorite at my house, but it is.

Click on the YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S55kHhPqxzo link and then return for the explanation of how this obnoxious card ended up in my wife’s hands, delivered unto her at this joyous time of year from… her children.

It’s back again. Stowed away with the rest of the Christmas decorations, this card has been rediscovered. My kids, 4 year old twins and the 6 year old, are all singing that hilarious, yet awful song. I never meant for this to happen.

The twins were a year old, and Ella was 3. I decided that they should know that Christmas is about giving, not getting. I dragged them to Target to pick up a few little items they could give mom, so they would be invested in the process.

So I’m dragging 3 little kid through holiday traffic at the store and the twins are DONE. They’re hungry, and starting to cry, and we’ve still got to check out. We’re on the last thing… card for mom. Ella grabs that one.

What it was about this card initially that grabbed her attention I do not want to know. I’m hoping it was just, you know, funny dude in Santa hat.

“Here,” she declared. “This one.”

“No Ella,” I protested. “That’s not… well… it’s just not… it’s not a nice card. Pick something else.”

She considered for a moment, then countered, “This one plays music.”

“I know,” I stuttered, “but it’s not… it’s just not… can we just… the babies are starting to cry and we’ve got to go. Just pick another one.”

“No. You said I could pick the card. I pick this card,” she said.

The crying is intensifying now… people are starting to look… the lines are getting longer at the register. I’m seeing visions of standing there with three crying kids instead of just two, and so in a moment of parental and marital weakness, I say, “FINE.”

Instead of fixing my mistake in time for Christmas, I decided to own it instead. You’ll note the kids all signed it. Ella writing her own name, and me identifying the scribbling of the twins.

Like tongues stuck to flag poles, and eyes shot out with be be guns ala A Christmas Story, this card is now woven into the tapestry that is our family holiday tradition.

“Pretend I’m Santa… and sit on my lap.”

Nice.

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