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Vince Vitrano: Not For Broadcast


CREATED Sep 15, 2011
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Adam Sandler once did an album titled, "What the hell happened to me?" I said those words out loud the other day while driving around in the minivan... alone.

What the hell did happen to me?

Most parents think they'll stay cool even after having kids. "I'm not going to be Mr. Mom," he said. "I'm no soccer mom," she said.

Sure you're not. Not for a while, anyway.

With just one kid, you can still keep your semi-cool car, that is, if you have one from the start. Granted, that car looks less cool with a car seat in the back, but still.

With just one, you can take that kid places. You go where you're going to go, and baby comes with. Brewer game? Sure. Hold the kid up for the cameras! I used to take my daughter to the coffee shop. I'd read the paper, she'd sleep in the little carrier, or chew on something, look around and make cute noises. The only interruptions would be the occasional young lady passer-by who thought the scene was, "so sweet."

You're actually a different kind of cool. Hey... these folks are parents, but they're still living life... look at them! Cool.

Since we had twins after our first child, I don't know what it's like for you two-child families. I guess I can only speak for 3 kids and up, but I'll tell you that coolness evaporates like the morning dew when the sun comes out.

Next thing you know you hop in the minivan by yourself, Justin Bieber is in the CD player, and not only do you fail to turn it immediately off... but you proceed to turn it up!

Yes. This happened. I may have even sung along at the refrain, "You smile... I smile," before realizing in horror what was happening. Suffering from Bieber Fever? No. Just a worn out old man whose three little ones have sucked the life and character out of his very being in a matter of a few short years.

I love them all more than life itself, but now I understand the question like I never have before.

What the hell happened to me?

I do want to add, the kid can sing. I like Bieber. It's got a good beat and it's easy to dance to, etc, etc. There's a lot of garbage I'd rather not have my children listening to. Not to mention, the dude on SNL was really funny. I'm a fan, It's just not the music a grown man should be turning up. I mean, I used to kick explicit lyrics rap when I borrow the parents' car. Now I'm turning up Justin Bieber.

What the hell happened to me?

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Milwaukee, WI

NE at 3 mph
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